you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
