So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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