I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
