I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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