He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
