Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
