I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
