So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
