you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
