i wish my penis had a tongue
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
