I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
