You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
