there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
