Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
