hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
