WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
