I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
