Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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