I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
