Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
