I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
