he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
