Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
