I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
