i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
