I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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