I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
