my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
