I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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