I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We had to coat check the pizza.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
