Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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