Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
