I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
