i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
