A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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