I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You left your phone here
Wait...
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