Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
