My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
