Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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