a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
