I look better un-naked...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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