Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
