I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
