and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
