There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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