who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
