if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had sex on a roof
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
