A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
