I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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