From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You're like the curious george of whores
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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