Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
