i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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